Thank God for dads. They keep us humble
____________________
Dear Dad,
Just a little note to wish you a Happy Father's Day. I know we haven't spoken in some time, and that is partially my fault. I have had allergies.
I hope you are not as embarrassed of my being your son as you often "joke." Most of my problems are behind me and I'm actually doing fairly well now. I now dress exclusively as a male, and I no longer cut.
I am employed. I do a show on radio and TV, and I write a column for our local paper. I know what you are thinking – "Oh, boy, Gordon dun gone and gitted hisself a fancy job." Well, the jobs aren't that fancy, Dad, I promise. I am still a humble man. Sometimes I even slap my handlers for ordering me $15 drinks in front of unfamous people.
I have so many fond memories of my childhood. I remember the little piglet you got me and sis for a surprise one day. I also remember you bludgeoning and quartering it in the living room for steaks and winter sausage. Good times.
Remember when I stole the neighbor's lawnmower for your birthday present? I was 5, but I will never forget what you did for me. Thank you for taking blame in order to keep me out of trouble. Too bad it was your third strike.
Many years have passed and I don't want us to grow even more estranged. That's why I have included some publicity shots of "my latest look." Keep 'em close; they haven't dropped yet.
Speaking of pictures, I have kept your photo – the one with you making that funny face – on my bedside table all this time. Do you remember when that picture was taken? You had just emerged nude from a whorehouse and a police dog latched on to you. You could always make me laugh. Even when you were punching me. Happy Father's Day, Dad.
Your Son,
Gordon
P.S. Are they still screening your mail?
Dear Son,
I am assuming this is a little joke for your column. I know you are obsessed with having a hard-scrabbled upbringing for literary purposes but keep me out of it. Your mother will have Sunday dinner on the table at six. Don't be late or drunk.
Dad
Dear Editor,
Please omit my father's response and publish with new publicity shots. Make me look humble.
Gordon
Hear Gordon on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 5:30 to 10 a.m. Catch him on TV on The Gordon Keith Show, Thursdays at 10 p.m. on KFWD (Channel 52). E-mail him at gordon@gordonkeith.com.
